Top 5 Fake Movie Companies I'd Work For
Disclaimer: Yes, this is a bit of a re-hash, but I still wrote it... a couple of years ago. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things, while I transfer the posts I made to a website that no longer defines who I am. Please sit back and enjoy it. Again.
After being on the short end of the employment stick too many times these past few years, let's just say I know what it's like to look for work. However, in the world of make-believe, where anything can (and will) happen, these are Top 5 Companies that I would gladly submit my résumé. You might think that some of these choices are a little crazy, but wait until you see my other list next week.
Their business model was a bit flawed, and leaving it in the not-so-capable hands of the incompetent and dimwitted Tommy Callahan wasn't exactly the smartest decision (at first), but Callahan Auto Parts was built on hard work and is full of heart. Anyone who's willing to sacrifice their inheritance in order to help save his family's company and over 300 jobs in the process has got my vote. I've also been told that their new break pads are really cool.
"Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast."
As I've matured in age, I've grown quite fond of cooking. Sometimes I even think about what it would be like to run a restaurant. Now I've worked my fair share of fast food as a teenager, but Big Kahuna Burger would be the only joint that I'd feel proud of to have worked at. They seem take great pride in their Hawaiian-themed burgers, and are apparently very popular with criminals, including Jules Winnfield, the now former hit-man who would make one hell of an spokesperson.
"Tyler sold his soap to department stores at $20 a bar. Lord knows what they charged. It was beautiful. We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them."
I know what you're thinking and I don't care. If you haven't seen the movie, Tyler and crew go around stealing fat from liposuction clinics in order to acquire their materials. And as bad and/or gross as that sounds, I'd still work for Tyler Durden. Think of the potential for growth within company, the "therapeutic" company perks, and you'd learn how to make really neat stuff with household items (like homemade nitroglycerin). The only downside is the increasingly dangerous "extra-curricular activities" and the self-inflicted chemical burns. A small price to pay for the cause, I say.
Imagine, if you will, the endless possibilities while working in the Research & Development Division at Wayne Enterprises. There's a good chance you'd get to test out all of Batman's toys like the Tumbler, memory cloth, body armor, and the batarang among many others. The downside is that the R&D Department floor seems like a graveyard - not too many employees to around to have meaningful discussions about last night's "Modern Family" or "Breaking Bad" around the water cooler (other than Lucius Fox, who I've heard does a great impersonation of Morgan Freeman doing Red from The Shawshank Redemption -- "Oh, Andy...").
"Hey we found a dead mouse in our beer, eh. That means you owe us a free case."
When the McKenzie Brothers squander away their father's beer money and then subsequently run out of beer, their "best" idea is to place a mouse inside a beer bottle and blackmail their local beer store for free beer. Instead, they're instructed to contact the brewery. Upon presenting their tainted bottle at the brewery, they're given jobs on the spot, assigned to watch the assembly line for mice. Outside of the whole mind-controlling drug in the beer - and the Brewmeister's secret plan to take over the world - it seems like a pretty decent place to work. If I knew it was this easy to acquire a job at a brewery, I would have stuffed a mouse in a beer bottle years ago!
I almost put Quick Stop Groceries from Clerks on this list, but then realized that Dante whined entirely too much throughout that movie and I'd go crazy listening to him bitch all day about how he wasn't "even supposed to be here today."
After being on the short end of the employment stick too many times these past few years, let's just say I know what it's like to look for work. However, in the world of make-believe, where anything can (and will) happen, these are Top 5 Companies that I would gladly submit my résumé. You might think that some of these choices are a little crazy, but wait until you see my other list next week.
1. Callahan Auto Parts | Tommy Boy
Their business model was a bit flawed, and leaving it in the not-so-capable hands of the incompetent and dimwitted Tommy Callahan wasn't exactly the smartest decision (at first), but Callahan Auto Parts was built on hard work and is full of heart. Anyone who's willing to sacrifice their inheritance in order to help save his family's company and over 300 jobs in the process has got my vote. I've also been told that their new break pads are really cool.2. Big Kahuna Burger | Pulp Fiction
"Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast."As I've matured in age, I've grown quite fond of cooking. Sometimes I even think about what it would be like to run a restaurant. Now I've worked my fair share of fast food as a teenager, but Big Kahuna Burger would be the only joint that I'd feel proud of to have worked at. They seem take great pride in their Hawaiian-themed burgers, and are apparently very popular with criminals, including Jules Winnfield, the now former hit-man who would make one hell of an spokesperson.
3. Paper Street Soap Co. | Fight Club
"Tyler sold his soap to department stores at $20 a bar. Lord knows what they charged. It was beautiful. We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them."
I know what you're thinking and I don't care. If you haven't seen the movie, Tyler and crew go around stealing fat from liposuction clinics in order to acquire their materials. And as bad and/or gross as that sounds, I'd still work for Tyler Durden. Think of the potential for growth within company, the "therapeutic" company perks, and you'd learn how to make really neat stuff with household items (like homemade nitroglycerin). The only downside is the increasingly dangerous "extra-curricular activities" and the self-inflicted chemical burns. A small price to pay for the cause, I say.
4. Wayne Enterprises | Batman Begins
Imagine, if you will, the endless possibilities while working in the Research & Development Division at Wayne Enterprises. There's a good chance you'd get to test out all of Batman's toys like the Tumbler, memory cloth, body armor, and the batarang among many others. The downside is that the R&D Department floor seems like a graveyard - not too many employees to around to have meaningful discussions about last night's "Modern Family" or "Breaking Bad" around the water cooler (other than Lucius Fox, who I've heard does a great impersonation of Morgan Freeman doing Red from The Shawshank Redemption -- "Oh, Andy...").5. Elsinore Brewery | Strange Brew
"Hey we found a dead mouse in our beer, eh. That means you owe us a free case."When the McKenzie Brothers squander away their father's beer money and then subsequently run out of beer, their "best" idea is to place a mouse inside a beer bottle and blackmail their local beer store for free beer. Instead, they're instructed to contact the brewery. Upon presenting their tainted bottle at the brewery, they're given jobs on the spot, assigned to watch the assembly line for mice. Outside of the whole mind-controlling drug in the beer - and the Brewmeister's secret plan to take over the world - it seems like a pretty decent place to work. If I knew it was this easy to acquire a job at a brewery, I would have stuffed a mouse in a beer bottle years ago!
The Runner-Up List
I almost put Quick Stop Groceries from Clerks on this list, but then realized that Dante whined entirely too much throughout that movie and I'd go crazy listening to him bitch all day about how he wasn't "even supposed to be here today."- Ghostbusters | Ghostbusters
Ah, if there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say. - SmartTech | The 40-Year-Old Virgin
I think I already worked at a place similar to this for almost nine years... but without a majority of the supporting characters. - Stark Industries | Iron Man
I would imagine it'd be very similar to Wayne Enterprises but with more government contracts and a bald Jeff Bridges look-a-like running the show. - S-Mart | Army of Darkness
I believe I've got the whole sporting goods department schtick down, since I worked somewhere very similar during high school, just with a different letter in the store name. - RST Video | Clerks
I just want to be present when Randal has to phone in an order... once.
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